hi

i need to get back in school but before i can do this i have to figure out what i want to do with my life. and mainly all i want is a family but that doesn't pay the bills so i have to think of something that i will like most of the time. i used to think i would love being a lawyer but I'm not so sure now. i mean i would enjoy the winning but i don't know that i could handle having to make a deal to win you know. i don't want to help people get off with a lesser sentence because the justice system is flawed. which you know it is but how can you fix something that's been that way for hundreds of years? my grandmother said i should go into business law and not criminal law but my dream is to get as many rapists, murderers(sp), and all around bad guys as i can off the streets. but I'm not the person for the job. I'm too big of a pushover and i wish i could change it but I'm not sure i can. well I'll work on it.
i need something to do with my time besides think it's not safe for me sometimes. what I've been thinking about lately is how i want to get married and have babies before my dad dies and i know that he's not sick or anything but he's not healthy:( i want him around to watch his grandchildren graduate but i don't know that he will be. he stopped smoking and i was really proud of him but then he went to drinking a whole lot more than he use to, then he started smoking cigars. he doesn't smoke them as much as he use to smoke cigarettes but he still smokes and it makes me sad. he lost his father at 60 to cancer and I'm afraid it's going to be the same for me. which means i have less than15 years left till then. and you know he may make it way past then but cancer is in his genes. his grandmother from his father's side died from cancer. but his grandmother on his mom's side is still kicking hard cuz that's what she does. but i just wish he would try to stop like he promised me. i love him and i want him around for forever.
i wish my grandmother called me to talk to me just to talk not to get me to be the middle man. i mean she use to say that i would get older and stop talking to her but that's not true she got older and stopped talking to me. i try i do I've messaged her on facebook and sent her flowers just to show her that i love her and still think about her and i understand that she has 4 kids that live with her one of which is my 19 year old little brother, one is my 17 year old cousin, and the other two are actual babies and they belong to my cousin cuz apparently she can't keep her legs closed. yeah that was a little mean but my grandmother deserves some time to herself but people keep handing their kids to her and saying raise them. OK my father and uncle did not do that they sent them there for better schooling and such. but since they are grandchildren and whatnot she doesn't discipline them like she did her own children so they treat her like dirt beneath their shoes and it really pisses me off. but i just want her to know i love her and i want to talk to her just to talk to her but i never get to and it makes me really sad. I LOVE YOU GAGA!
i need a second job something to keep me entertained instead of me sitting at home doing absolutely nothing. i don't even need the money i just want something to do at night instead of sit home on the computer or watching tv. i mean i could get a hobby but i have no idea where to start looking for one of those. but i guess i'm getting off now to go try to find something to do. peace out